10 Ways Early Motherhood Is Like Being in Harry Potter

1. The first time you experience the "is it chocolate or poop?" situation is pretty much like putting on the sorting hat.  Do you laugh at the adventures of motherhood? Gryffindor. Do you consider the possible effects of exposure to human feces on your immune system? Ravenclaw. Do you wipe it on your spouse's shirt? Slytherin. Do you lick it off your hand and pray it's chocolate? Hufflepuff.


2. Your nursing baby is pretty much just a dementor sucking the life out of you.


3. But having a friend who encourages you to eat chocolate helps.


4.Your hair usually looks like Hermione's:

Or Ron's:

Or, after a really rough week, Hagrid's:


5. You spend a lot of time in your robe.


6. You withdraw from the muggle world.


7. Your post-pregnancy hormones and ruined body have you going through a real identity crises.


8. You spend a long time perfecting how to say particular strings of words to make certain things happen.


"Do not eat the remote!" is supposed to result in your toddler removing the remote from its mouth.

"Please put your shoes on," is supposed to result in your child putting on its shoes.

"Come here please," is supposed to result in your child approaching your general proximity.

(For the record, in this example, I am pretty much the Neville Longbottom of moms.)


9. You have at least one acquaintance/family member who is always giving you advice on how to raise your child ("If you want her to stop crying so much, you should go gluten free," "That pacifier is surely going to mess up her teeth," "The best way to get her to sleep through the night is to give her a bottle with cereal at bed time," etc.), despite the fact that this acquaintance/family member has no children, no medical background, and no other experience related to child-rearing. Oh, hi, Gilderoy Lockhart.


10. You sometimes even inadvertently call yourself by a character's name:

Husband: "You're telling me the baby's poop was black?"

You: "I'm serious. Black!"